I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
