You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
