I just saw a hot homeless man
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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