I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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