Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
