got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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