could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize