Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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