you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
