he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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