I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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