and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
