when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
