Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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