so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
