he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
