Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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