I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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