Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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