I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
