when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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