question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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