Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
