I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
