If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
