you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
