I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Damn victory sex feels great
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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