...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize