I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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