I wish my penis had an off switch
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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