apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
