guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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