I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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