wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Randomize
