Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
