Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
