Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
