Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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