I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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