I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
