I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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