Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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