I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
