I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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