just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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