I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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