My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
