im about as happy as oj after his trial
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
