Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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