Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
the condom got lost in my hair
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
