My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Green mimosas i think yes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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