In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize