I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
