Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize