I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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