ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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